constant wrestle

"Silver and gold have I none
but all that I have I give thee
In the Name of Jesus Christ
of Nazareth rise up and walk!
He went walking and leaping and praising God!
Walking and leaping and praising God!
In the Name of Jesus Christ
of Nazareth rise up and walk!"


This is a song from the Donut Man. I loved him as a kid!


I thought of this song as I was walking down Portage Avenue on my lunch break today. I was carrying three Tim Horton's coffee's (or something of the like) and about every ten steps there was someone asking for money, holding out their hat, or simply in need. As I would walk by they would ask for money and I would smile and say "I'm sorry...have a good day....God bless..."


I was carrying the Timmy's back to work for myself and my co-workers. These men that were asking for money knew that I probably had a few cents in my pocket or that I could give them a coffee or somehow help them out. I knew that I had to get to work on time, that I had bought these coffee's specifically for my co-workers and that I was once again caught in this tension of giving-loving-serving. Arg. I get so frustrated. This is a never-ending struggle.


I got to thinking about what giving, loving, serving, etc. really means. The only way that I can truly give-love-serve is by the grace and love of Jesus overflowing through me. Sure I can give them money and walk away. Give them some food and walk away. But what is the point? Yes, I know there is merit to giving the hungry food, Jesus tells us to do that. But when are we going to stop scratching the surface of the issue and actually solve the issues? We need GOD to solve the issues!


I wanted so badly to sit down beside the physically dirty, intoxicated man asking for money and say to him, "I don't have any money to give you, I don't have any food to give you, but I know Him who can set you free." And even as I type these words I feel the uneasiness of how cliche that sounds. "I know Jesus and he will solve all of your problems". Yes, it is true that I do know Jesus and that He can solve all of our problems, but it's also true that just by saying YES to Jesus does not mean that all of your problems will disappear. Now, you'll just have the grace, strength, love, and hope to get through and deal with all of the issues that you're currently stuck in. Accepting Jesus as your Savior is a choice just like getting set free from your addictions is a choice. You have to say NO to the addictions. But it takes God to truly heal, to truly set you free.


I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just know that I'm tired of trying to solve peoples problems. I'm tired of scratching the surface of what it means to love and to serve others. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I don't give them my money or food or time.


Holy Spirit we need you! You are the answer, God! Only you can set people free. Only you can heal completely. I ask for signs and wonders in this city. That you would change the face of justice. That justice would be your Holy Spirit alive and at work in our city. That it would be us, your servants, who take the time to say "silver and gold have I none...but I HAVE JESUS!" I ask that we would have the faith to know that you can heal people. That you can raise the dead. That you have power over the darkness in this city. Change the face of justice so that we know we can do nothing. Fill us with your power. Fill us with your love for others. I know that the only way I can ever do this thing called justice is if I'm found on my face before the Almighty. It is from spending time with my Savior that I will become like Jesus, the greatest Servant of all. It is by ASKING for His Holy Spirit to dwell in me and to overflow into all that I say and do that I'll ever be able to speak His truth like a piercing arrow. I know that it is only when I ask of Him, that I'll see great and wonderous signs. And that others will see Him, too, and come to the knowledge of who He is.


In order to love, I need the Love of Jesus.
In order to love others, I need to love myself first.
In order to love myself, I need to know the affections that the Uncreated God of the Universe has for me.
In order to know His affections, I need to spend time with Him.
In order to see true miracles happen, I need to ask for them.
In order to serve, I need to know how Jesus served. (Reading the Word)
In order to go deeper and deeper in my relationship with God, I need to wrestle through these struggles and keep asking God what He's saying in the midst of it. I need God to break my heart with the things that break His heart. I need to be completely obedient to Him.

Today I fell in love.

It's only 9:30 in the morning and I am swooning!


He is sooo perfect. So handsome...beautiful, even. He's so peaceful. He's so warm and comforting. He's elegant. He's stable. He's rich. He's built on a good foundation. He's available (as of May 1st) and He's affordable.


"He" is my dream house down the street that I have fallen in love with and have been praying about for the last few weeks. Every time that I walk by it (which is about twice a day), I pray that God would give the owner of that home revelation that he needs to give me that house ; ) (hee hee).


As I was walking by this morning I saw the owner coming out of the house and I mentioned to him that he had a beautiful home. He invited me in for the grand tour and I have officially fallen in love!! The only down side is that he's not selling. But he is RENTING out this gorgeous house. And, need I repeat, it is gorgeous!


And here enfolds my dilema:


I have been thinking/dreaming about buying a house over the last few days. I have been paying rent for almost three years now and it seems that I'm throwing my money away every month. Buying a house would be good because I would be investing in something and I could build up equity.


Buying a house would also mean a crap-load of responsibility. It would mean that I would probably live in a more sketchy area of the city because I couldn't afford anything in a good area and if anything would go wrong, I'd have no idea what to do. It kinda freaks me out and I have always wanted to buy a house with someone - a.k.a my husband. It feels somewhat lonely and daunting buying one on my own. I also know that there's the possibility that I may never get married and so waiting for "someone" to buy a home with is ridiculous.


Renting means that I'm gaining nothing from giving my money away...but a place to live. And that is important! Many people pay rent for their entire lives. And when I think about eternity, paying rent or not owning a house is no biggy. There is less stress about renting and having a landlord then being the landlord.


However, I have wanted to live alone for quite some time. I like the freedom to do what I want when I want; to strum the wrong chords on my guitar with freedom, to pray loudly at 4:00 a.m., etc. Maybe I have some control issues that I need to deal with?? These issues are stretched when living in community because it's all about compromise. Maybe they should be stretched, maybe they don't have to be. Renting a bachelor would be about as much as renting this gorgeous home! Buying a house would mean that I would need a renter(s).


Renting THIS house (that I have fallen in love with!) would mean many things....I would be living with people, I would have a gorgeous, clean, new home, I would be paying quite a bit in rent and I would live in a great area. I could still walk to work and busing is pretty good. Paying more for rent may be totally worth it!


So I feel like I'm in a valley of decision making. I have felt this constant need to "move" over the last year. I've lived in three different places and will more than likely be moving in the next few months. I need wisdom. If there's one thing I want - above all else - it is to be at the centre of God's will. In all things, even the little things. So please pray that I would have God's wisdom. If it's time for me to buy a house, that God would provide THE house, the money and the confidence. If God is cool with me moving into this beautiful home that I have fallen in love with, that he would provide the right roomates and the security to do that, as well. I already have a "heads up" because the owner is not advertising for a while because the suite isn't quite finished. He gave me his number to call about renting). If God wants me to live on my own, that I would be able to find a good, affordable bachelor. (They can range between 4-6 hundred) If God has a completely different idea, that He would reveal that to me. Also, that I would be able to discern what I desire in this and how it fits into God's plan.



If you have any words of wisdom or get any revelation, please let me know. And now, it is time to work.


And, Jesus, would you please provide Sanctuary with a home. Bless you guys!

a Sanctuary for You

I woke up with this song in my head this morning. (I'm not sure if these are even the right words...)

Lord Prepare me
To be a Sanctuary
Pure and Holy
Tried and True
With Thanksgiving
I'll be a Living
Sanctuary
For You

This is my prayer, Lord. To be a dwelling place for Your Spirit. To be Pure and Holy, Tried and True. That I would live a life that is pleasing and honoring to you. To be worthy to be called Your Own, Your Bride. To be tested - shaken - and found standing unoffended in Your Grace. Thank you for Your Grace. I ask that it would be my deepest desire, pleasure...delight...to be a living sacrifice. For you, it is no sacrifice. You're my reward - nothing can compare! I give You all of me (and I don't even know what that all means).

Slowly I'm finding out what God has called me to. Slowly He's opening my eyes, He's enlightening my heart, He's drawing me out - I'm finding out what I was made for. God is revealing the desires of my heart, the lasting and eternal desires. He is working on the issues of my heart that keep me stumbling: The fear, the pride, the jealousy,... Slowly He's refining me.

I've been having a hard time putting words to what's been going on in my life over the last few months. If I've been silent, awkward or different it's because I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, what God's doing and how I am to live. God's been rooting me and uprooting me. The last few months have been both painful and beautiful. I have chosen to give myself to Him completely. I know I will stumble, fall and He will pick me up again. And again. But I say 'yes' to this process.

This may sound radical - good! I want to live radically.
This made sound prideful - that is not how I mean this! We all have the invitation to seek Him. It is the greatest joy of God when His people desire Him. This is for everyone, not just for some.

This means that I'm trying to give God my time, my energy, my money, my dreams, my everything - because I WANT TO.

I've been tagged:


FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD:


1. Respite worker for Child and Family Services/ Baby-sitter for my foster siblings.
2. Twice I was a "Cleaner of Big Businesses" (for lack of a better term or title) for a friend of mine who was in need of some help
3. Reception/Admin/Tech at Winnipeg Hearing Centres
4. ???? I guess I haven't lived long enough to have held four jobs...or I'm just loyal to the jobs I do have and stay there for years at a time....


FOUR MOVIES/SHOWS I'VE BEEN ADDICTED TO:


1. Full House (as a child)
2. CSI (high school)
3. CTV News (high school)
4. Amazing Race (Currently)


FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:


1. Mitchell, MB (2 different places)
2. New Bothwell, MB
3. St. Norbert (MB)
4. Winnipeg, MB (Multiple residences)


FOUR COUNTRIES I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT:


1. Israel
2. Ireland/Scotland/England (let's just say EUROPE)
3. Africa (any country on this contenet)
4. Anywhere in South America


FOUR POPULAR FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME:
(depends on who is assuming)


1. that I'm always happy (I am happy quite often, but I can be sad, tired, angry, etc.)
2. That I don't drive...I do, I just don't have a vehicle so it's Transit for me!
3. ...this is hard...I have no idea what you guys falsely assume about me??
4.


FOUR PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE (according to some people):


1. My sister
2. My mom
3. Julia Styles
4. Geena Davis

FOUR THINGS (I HOPE) TO DO BEFORE I DIE:


1. Learn to play my new guitar really well
2. Travel more, see Nations come to Christ
3. Learn to love well
4. Hear the audible voice of the Lord and live in FULLNESS!


PEOPLE I TAG NEXT:


1. Marcia
2. Joel
3. Ren
4. Shaun


I've been having weird dreams lately. When I can sleep, that is. I never really have issues with sleeping until the past few days. Now I lay there half praying and half being frustrated.


Anyway, my dreams: I dreamt that I won over a million dollars in Tim Horton's Roll Up the Rim. Everyone was allowed to call a toll free number for one chance of winning in Roll Up the Rim. The receptionist/operator would roll up a Tim's cup and let you know if you won or if you got a "play again". So I called this toll free number, the operator rolled up the rim and said that I had won a million dollars. It was either one mill or six mill...either way, I was really excited! I started thinking about all that I was going to do with that money....


If in reality I won a mill I would:
-give some away (family, friends, charity, SHOP)
-travel the world
-work part time (if that) and PRAY
-buy a house, fix it up and make it mine
-buy a vehicle
-buy a good sound system for SHOP (maybe throw a building in there ; )
-put some in savings
...I don't know how much all that would cost...but it would be fun!


Just for the sake of dreaming...what would you do with a million dollars?


Last night I dreamt that I quit my job at WHC to work part time at a grungy restaurant and pray in the House of Prayer. Well, I missed my job so much that I would sneak back to work and hide in my work place just so I could be around my co-workers. Bizarre. I really wanted to work part time at my receptionist instead of at the restaurant.


Well, that's about it for now. Ta Ta.

HAPPY St. Patricks DAY!!!

Shield & Confessions of St. Patrick


I bind unto myself today the strong name of the trinity,
by invocation of the same, the Three in One, the One in Three.

I bind this day to me forever by power of faith Christ's incarnation,
his baptism in the Jordan river, his death on the cross for my salvation;
his bursting from the spiced tomb, his riding up the heavenly way,
his coming at the day of doom I bind unto myself today.


I bind unto myself today the power of God to hold and lead,
his eye to watch, his might to stay, his ear to harken to my need,
the wisdom of my God to teach, his hand to guide, his shield to ward,
the Word of God to give me speech, his heavenly host to be my guard.


Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me;
Christ to comfort and restore me;
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.


I bind unto myself the name, the strong name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same, the Three in One, and One in Three,
of whom all nature hath creation, eternal Father, Spirit, Word;
praise to the God of my salvation, salvation is of Christ the Lord!

(The words above are attributed to Patrick, but may not be written by him. It is found in many variations. Some leave out the middle section, some have only the middle section, and some are more or less like what you see here. This version is an example that contains all the verses that are normally associated with the shield, which is also sometimes called the Breastplate of St. Patrick.)

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers...let us not love with words or tongue but in actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." I John 3:16,18-20

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him." I John 5:14&15

Jesus Christ is the highest standard of love. His love evokes both joy and fear in my heart. It's a consuming love; He's a consuming fire. His love will leave me with nothing of myself, ruined for anything less than Him. He is exactly what I need.

Merry, Merry in March!

This past weekend was spent at Polo Park's Canad Inn's hotel with my awesome family! Christmas in March is the way to go! It's nice to have a weekend away...Here are some pics of our stay...









Us kids in the pool after shootin' down the waterslide!



The gangsta siblings. For those of you who don't know Kristi, Shaun and I are gangsta's. Cool, real gangsta's do facials. Did you know that?



Our whole family (minus the smart Farrow) did foot scrubs and facials. We slathered green goop on our faces and exfoliating beads on our feet. It was good bonding times in the bathroom. I have a special family : ) I really appreciate our time together!





We had an incredible meal at Red Lobster. Great food, great conversation, great people.





I love the holiday traditions. I love my family.

Friday marked the 2nd year anniversary of a dear friends death. I've been praying for his famiy. Growing up with them was like having a second family. Realizing that Adam's been gone for two years was crazy. It doesn't seem that long, and yet if feels like forever. This year was different, however...there doesn't seem to be as much heart ache....the memories are coming back to colour and I'm so thankful for the time that I was able to spend with him, the memories that I was blessed to make with him. Thank you, Jesus, for the impact Adam had on my life. Please be with his family with each passing day, each memory and every year that brings such blessings and trials. Amen.

This weekend finished off really nicely with a trip to Altona, MB. An amazing group of people whom I like ended up going to a church out there...we prayed, worshipped, danced, encouraged and were blessed. I love seeing what God is doing in the mennonite communities in Southern Manitoba. I'm really excited to see what He's got planned for this generation!! Come Lord Jesus Come. Bless all of the different churches, cultures, ways of life, ways of expression....would we learn that true unity is one heart and mind and body saying YES to YOU! Would we be holy abandoned to Your call. Would we beckon You to come! The Spirit and the Bride say come!

O the Memories!

This weekend my family and I (Mom, Kristi, Shane, Shaun and I) are going to a hotel together for Christmas! I know, it's a bit late.

When we were kids our parents would take us three kids to Garden City Inn for the weekend as a part of our Christmas presents. It was one of my favourite parts about Christmas; being together as a family, the waterslides, tea parties at the bottom of the pool with my sister, weekend-long sleepovers, the "new" feeling hotels give you, yummy restaurant food/buffets and all the amazing memories. It's been a while since we've been in a hotel all together.

I'm praying that this will be a great time of hanging out with my awesome family. That good memories would be made and that we would love each other. All weekend long! I'm really pumped : )

Have a great weekend everyone!

i have so much to say.

but i don't really feel like sharing.
so...this has been on my mind:

-joy
-work
-eyes to see His reality
-singing
-i've been a little sick, crappy
-time and lackthereof
-once again **check out www.facedown40.com**
-peace-out-good-night