constant wrestle

"Silver and gold have I none
but all that I have I give thee
In the Name of Jesus Christ
of Nazareth rise up and walk!
He went walking and leaping and praising God!
Walking and leaping and praising God!
In the Name of Jesus Christ
of Nazareth rise up and walk!"


This is a song from the Donut Man. I loved him as a kid!


I thought of this song as I was walking down Portage Avenue on my lunch break today. I was carrying three Tim Horton's coffee's (or something of the like) and about every ten steps there was someone asking for money, holding out their hat, or simply in need. As I would walk by they would ask for money and I would smile and say "I'm sorry...have a good day....God bless..."


I was carrying the Timmy's back to work for myself and my co-workers. These men that were asking for money knew that I probably had a few cents in my pocket or that I could give them a coffee or somehow help them out. I knew that I had to get to work on time, that I had bought these coffee's specifically for my co-workers and that I was once again caught in this tension of giving-loving-serving. Arg. I get so frustrated. This is a never-ending struggle.


I got to thinking about what giving, loving, serving, etc. really means. The only way that I can truly give-love-serve is by the grace and love of Jesus overflowing through me. Sure I can give them money and walk away. Give them some food and walk away. But what is the point? Yes, I know there is merit to giving the hungry food, Jesus tells us to do that. But when are we going to stop scratching the surface of the issue and actually solve the issues? We need GOD to solve the issues!


I wanted so badly to sit down beside the physically dirty, intoxicated man asking for money and say to him, "I don't have any money to give you, I don't have any food to give you, but I know Him who can set you free." And even as I type these words I feel the uneasiness of how cliche that sounds. "I know Jesus and he will solve all of your problems". Yes, it is true that I do know Jesus and that He can solve all of our problems, but it's also true that just by saying YES to Jesus does not mean that all of your problems will disappear. Now, you'll just have the grace, strength, love, and hope to get through and deal with all of the issues that you're currently stuck in. Accepting Jesus as your Savior is a choice just like getting set free from your addictions is a choice. You have to say NO to the addictions. But it takes God to truly heal, to truly set you free.


I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just know that I'm tired of trying to solve peoples problems. I'm tired of scratching the surface of what it means to love and to serve others. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I don't give them my money or food or time.


Holy Spirit we need you! You are the answer, God! Only you can set people free. Only you can heal completely. I ask for signs and wonders in this city. That you would change the face of justice. That justice would be your Holy Spirit alive and at work in our city. That it would be us, your servants, who take the time to say "silver and gold have I none...but I HAVE JESUS!" I ask that we would have the faith to know that you can heal people. That you can raise the dead. That you have power over the darkness in this city. Change the face of justice so that we know we can do nothing. Fill us with your power. Fill us with your love for others. I know that the only way I can ever do this thing called justice is if I'm found on my face before the Almighty. It is from spending time with my Savior that I will become like Jesus, the greatest Servant of all. It is by ASKING for His Holy Spirit to dwell in me and to overflow into all that I say and do that I'll ever be able to speak His truth like a piercing arrow. I know that it is only when I ask of Him, that I'll see great and wonderous signs. And that others will see Him, too, and come to the knowledge of who He is.


In order to love, I need the Love of Jesus.
In order to love others, I need to love myself first.
In order to love myself, I need to know the affections that the Uncreated God of the Universe has for me.
In order to know His affections, I need to spend time with Him.
In order to see true miracles happen, I need to ask for them.
In order to serve, I need to know how Jesus served. (Reading the Word)
In order to go deeper and deeper in my relationship with God, I need to wrestle through these struggles and keep asking God what He's saying in the midst of it. I need God to break my heart with the things that break His heart. I need to be completely obedient to Him.