Sonadora & deseo, anhelo (dreamer & desire, longing)
I'm having a hard time being back at home. I have this ache, this longing, to go back to Puerto Rico again...which I'm sure is normal after coming home from +35 degree weather, great people and no work.
I'm not even sure if this ache is specifically for Puerto Rico itself, or even the people we met there. I think this ache is a longing to be a part of a grand adventure that is bigger and more beautiful than I.
And even if I do go back to Latin America or go on some big grand adventure somewhere, I know that it will never fulfill the true ache and longing of my heart and soul. Nothing can fill or replace or soothe my ache for the touch and presence of Jesus. Only Jesus can make me whole.
I'm going to search and seek after God with all that I am. I'm not sure what it's going to look like and I've been at this place many times before, but again I say YES. I say yes to the process. I plan on searching the depths of Him, getting a glimpse of His heart for me (because I desperately need this revelation) and finding out what are the God-given desires He has placed deep inside of me. I want to move out of those God-given desires in me, not out of the Stephanie-I'm-utterly-human desires. Here I am again.
I also want to learn true humility. This I am afraid of. This means being open and honest with 1) God and 2) myself and 3) others. My heart that hates rejection is running in the opposite direction of this.
A question I've been asking myself lately:
Am I dreamer who is too afraid to make my dreams a reality? Or am I holding out for something that is God designed and in His timing? I want the two to blend - my dreams being brought to fullness in God's design and time. But I want to dream.
Those are my thoughts.
Pictures from Puerto Rico are still to come. I just have to find the technology needed to get my pics onto my laptop...all of my crap is hidden in the depths of my incredibly messy room.
posted by Stephanie @ 11:23 AM
6 Comments:
Dream Steph!! Those dreams were put there for a reason, and are not in vain. Even the longing and ache for more is all part of his way of drawing you to himself so you can know HIS DESIRE for you. (And what a desire!) Embrace the longing, for it is in the searching that you will be filled (from one unsatisfied/longing/ heart to another) :)
"For I know the plans I have for Stephanie," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future". Jer.29:11
Can you even imagine what God's "prospering plans" are? Woah baby, hold on to your hearing aids because when he says they are to give you a "hope and a future", he means it!
(How is it that I have not seen you yet? [oh ya, 12hr shifts]...hmmm, if this is what withrdrawl feels like, I don't like it. Ok, one more sleep, I think I can, I think I can...)
*HUGS*
I am lamentably still not wise enough to offer anything much of answer.
But I can say that I understand some of what you are saying.
I don't quite get human brokenness. Sometimes things seem so far from good (trying desperately to believe in God's love), and at other times things are so good, but not in the way I expected (finding an overflowing of love from my friends).
This strange mix of divine and human leaves me without answers.
There's a lot of important stuff going on here in what you've written. Seems like humility to me.
Wrestling with some deep questions Stephanie Reimer. Great questions.
I won't even attempt an answer, for a conclusive answer to those questions may or may not exist.
What I find remarkable, Steph, is how quickly you have matured. Questions like these don't come out of a surface level, casual approach to following God. Rather, they're indicative of a heart and life ravished by love and seeking, in some way, to respond.
Bless you friend.
i agree!! with you, your thoughts. especially the questions about the blending of dreams with God's design and timing...i so want that. i love your thoughts. sometimes i feel like i'm on this tightrope of understanding all the thoughts in my head and trying to make them mesh with God's and still managing to listen to my heart and His through Him. that was confusing. but i can't wait to see you and give you a big big hug!!
thanks for sharing :)
Rejection? What's that! ;) Seriously, though, you are such a beautiful person! I don't know what there is not to like or "reject" about you! So, here's to being honest and loving Jesus all the way! :)
Thank you for the comments everyone. They were an incredible blessing!
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