What do you do when...
I was walking through Cancer Care on my lunch break today when I saw the cutest little girl walking with her mother. She was tiny and had white hair. no joke, it was white. She seemed much older than she looked and definitely had an attitude about her. I smiled and kept walking slowly so that I could watch her waddle towards the door. I believe that she may have been a patient because she didn't look very healthy but she was a doll! (she may have been around 4 but she looked max 2 years)
Her mother kept calling her a brat and was speaking really rudely to her. This made me mad. But what almost did me in was when she called her daughter a fat little sh*t. She continued to say this over and over to her as she made her little girl walk down the long hallway. Finally, the girl started crying (because she had been asking her mother to pick her up for quite a while now) and her mother picked her up and continued swearing at her! I almost lost it! I felt like taking this mother aside, shaking her really hard and yelling, "What the heck do you think you're doing speaking to your daughter like that!" I didn't. Instead I smiled at the little girl, looked disapprovingly at the mother and continued on my way. I felt bad for giving the mother a bad look but it was better than slapping her, I thought.
What do you do in that situation? No matter what you do it seems rude but what is right? Do you tell the mother why she should not be saying those things to her daughter? Do you mind your own business? BLAH! I hate when those situations happen. My heart hurts for the babies but I feel so awkward and I don't know where my place is. I prayed. I know that's right and I know that's my place. Jesus, be with that little girl and her mom. Would they find your love, worth and comfort. Amen.
posted by Stephanie @ 2:44 AM
15 Comments:
Hi Stephanie
As an oft frazzled mom of a special needs kid may I offer a suggestion?...
Play the "grace game". In other words, assume that there is more going on than you can see. What could possibly have happened to bring a mom to that point? How many ways had her day gone wrong? What had this kid been doing over time to wear down her mom's patience? What else could be contributing to her mood? Does she even have a healthy place to vent?
It's really easy to make assumptions based on a few moments. Sure, she shouldn't have been interacting so harshly. But take it from one who's been there and lost it in public, there's more going on.
So when you pray, ask for grace for the parent. Do something nice, but low key to help take the edge off (like holding a door open). A nasty look sent my way from someone who has no idea what I'm dealing with is not going to help me calm down and behave more rationally with my kids.
Just my 2cents worth...
Loraleigh!
Do you really mean to tell me that if some stranger were to say something to you when you were all worked up that you would have the self-control not to tell them exactly where they could shove it since they know nothing of your life?! Wow! You are a much bigger, more in control person than I am.
I get the dirty looks all the time when Matt runs off or starts cussing and calling names. He doesn't get the looks, I do because I'm not in control of my kid. If someone dares to say something to me about it they take their life in their hands on a bad day. On a good day they'll get a lecture on FASD and organic brain damage, but on the bad ones when He's already worn me down I'm not gonna take any advice from a stranger no matter how well intentioned it may be. I think you need to earn the right to speak into someone's life...
But then that's me...
I had sorta the same thing happen to me a couple of days ago.
I was walking on Portage and all of a sudden this guy and girl (about 22ish, lower-middle class white) start yelling at each other! Screaming right into each other's faces! She yelled "give me back my debit card!", he yelled "I don't have it!". Insert some #$%^$ as you see fit. They were obviously a couple.
Then he started to run from her! She continued to yell, he kept yelling back over his shoulder. She followed him for a minute and then finally turned aside sobbing.
I was at a complete loss. What could I do but pray? Prayer felt so hopeless in that moment. Should I go over and talk to the girl? Would she be able to hear? What if God didn't give me anything to say? Should I wait to hear confirmation before I walk over?
And by the time I asked those questions and prayed a little bit, I was already past her, and well on my way to forgetting all about it. All in all, I was struck most by my self-centredness.
What's the cure for that I wonder?
Cindy, I do see where you're coming from but under no circumstance or situation should a child be called a "fat, ugly little shit". My mom has been fostering high needs, fetal alcohol, autistic (and the list goes on) children for about 7 (!?!) years now. Many times I have gotten the glare, the stare-down and dirty looks while watching these kids in public places. During those high stress moments of aggravation with the child you do not want to be confronted by people who don't know the whole story....but what about the children?!! In this situation this child was being sworn at and it was more than just an act of momentary frustration...this mother seemed calm in the moment just extremely abusive. All this little child(she was tiny!) wanted was to be carried down the hall by her mother and in turn the mother started swearing at her and telling her what a bad, awful, rotten child she was. No kid deserves that no matter what the situation! I'm going to continue to pray for grace but at the same time I think more needs to be done than just a muttered prayer under my breath. What about the child?!
Loraleigh, I really liked what you said, too: "We need people out there to knock on the door of our bubble worlds and deflate us. And say in a kind way 'hey, just wanted to let you know you're getting close to destructo mode there.'" That's such a good perspective! Makes me feel like sometimes it is the right thing for BOTH the mother and child to say something.
In the situation from yesterday the mothers emotional welfare is not my main concern (though it is a concern). My main concern would be the well being of this four year old (she looked 2 but seemed older) who is already being told that she is worthless at her young age. That is not acceptable.
Cam, I have so many of those moments in which I walk by a situation that could use (needs, actually) the love of God. It's totally that moment of feeling at a loss for words or anything at all. Praying is the best thing to do but I don't want to miss the opportunities to DO, either. yeesh...i don't know..I just continue to pray for God's revelation of what to do when those situations do arise. I don't want to be self-centered or seemingly uncaring, either.
I guess I wasn't completely clear. I don't think that mother and child are necessarily separate entities. Do you really think the mom doesn't know what she's doing? If she's already agitated she's not going to treat the child better by being confronted by someone who hasn't earned the right to speak into her life. Speaking your piece could actually cause more harm to the child by agitating the mother further.
And, BTW, I often look perfectly calm just before I lose it. You can't always tell from the outside what's going on inside or what will set people off.
Again, I'm not saying the mom's actions were right. Of course it's not OK to verbally abuse your kids. She may very well know that what she's saying is not OK, and not need you to point that out. We all do things sometimes that we know are not alright when we're in moments where we're out of control. All I'm saying is that there is usually more going on than what you can see in a few moments, so don't jump to conclusions and jump into a situation you may make worse...
Hey I would probably say something to the lady. I have no idea what I would say but something would come out of my mouth.
I think that too many people get away with stuff like that because no one is telling them it's not acceptable. That's sick.
Hey I just read all the comments and this is a good little discussion going on here.
I stoped to think what I would say and here it is, spoken in calm casual voice "Is that your daughter/son?" person answers, "Do you love them?" person probably answers yes, "Then why are you degrating her/him by calling her/him a stupid ugly little shit? Thats terrible."
Im glad you wrote about this because now I don't have to stop and waste time thinking about what to do if faced with this situation.
Alexandra you're dead on. "Do you love them? Then why are you treating them like that?" That's perfect! It's not harsh but something does need to be said! thank you!
I was discussing this one with Doug yesterday, and he reminded me that the mom was once a child herself, and probably had the same experiences. Where is the compassion for her? Is she no longer deserving of it since she's now a grown-up?
And... food for thought...
Romans 2:3 So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?
God's kindness leads you toward repentance. Hmmm... If your goal here is better treatment of the child and repentance of the mom for her choices, it seems to me that kindness would be in order. Venting our frustration at her is not likely to bring about the desired change, it will only make us feel like we've taken a stand for something. Great for us. Useless for the child. IMHO...
Funny, Steph... I just had the opposite reaction to that question. If some stranger dared to question whether or not I loved my kids they would be promptly told where to get off - and my mood would be stressed for many hours more, to the detriment of my kids...
Cindy I guess its all in the manner it would be said. Said with love for the mother and child. At what point would you intervene? If a parent who has been physically abused as a child abuses thier child is that o.k? The difference between an adult and a child is that the child is under the control of the parent. The adult has more of a choice how to react in the situation regardless of past history.
Im not perfect as a mother believe me and I don't think I am any better or worse than someone who would say those kinds of things to thier child. But if I ever did I would hope someone acting in love, doing as I believe Jesus would do, would approach and help the situation. I seriously don't think Jesus would just walk past that little girl and say nothing to her or the parent. (no offence Steph) I think it can be a fine line but it shouldn't be ignored.
p.s I really enjoy hearing everyone's thoughts on this. This is great! I hope no one is getting hurt or offended for that is not my intention.
Jesus, I think, would earn the right to speak into their lives...
If it's all about the results, then I don't think that poking a rabid dog with a stick is going to get you good results. Try doing something to lessen her load (aka kindness) and then she might place some value on your opinion.
Trust me, when you're at that point of lashing out at your kids, there's no tone of voice that will disguise that question as anything other than judgement.
Again - I'm not saying that it's OK to treat your kids like that. I'm saying that prayer and kindness are more likely to have the results you're after than hit and run instruction. Questioning this mom in any way when you haven't earned that right in her life is only going to make matters worse.
Alexandra in no way do I feel offended. That's why I posted this question of what do you do when faced with that type of situation. I agree that something needs to be done/said in kindness and love. With every situation and circumstance I do think we need to be sensitive to the people around us and, most importantly, sensitive to what God is speaking to us at that time.
These comments could go on and on forever so thanks for your input ladies (and Cam). Definitely food for thought.
Loraleigh... I was thinking about the woman at the well in this context. Jesus told her everything she had done BEFORE he called her to change. What he did in that short amount of time was let her know that he KNEW her and her circumstances. THAT was what gave him the right to speak into her life.
And I remembered that I had forgotten to answer a question: "At what point would you intervene? "
Well, I would intervene beyond prayer and kindness when I was willing to invest in this person's life. We live in a time and place where instant gratification has pervaded our perceptions of life. We really want to think that one little conversation will change someone's life. Most of the time that isn't so. If you really want change for this kid, then you have to make the committment to relationship with the family. It's long, hard work. A quick "instructional" conversation will make you feel like you've done something, but it won't really be helpful to this kid. You can walk away feeling good about yourself for "confronting injustice", but this kid has to live with the fall-out. Where will you be then?
"Do you love your kid?" That is either a way of saying "because it doesn't look like it!", or you're trying to sell me something. I can't think of a quicker way to put someone on the defensive. And once you've done that they won't hear a single thing you've got to say - no matter how right you are. And, no, I don't think you can use a tone that won't sound accusatory or condescending.
I just wanted to say that I would NEVER speak into someones life like that and walk away think. Oh Hurray for ME!
That is NOT the kind of person I am and God willing I will never be.
I feel that saying something would open up the oppourtunity to have a relationship with the person saying nothing does not.
K Im done ...I got the hint Steph :)
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