Girl's night....

I just got back from Girl's Night. My sister, Kristi, plans a night in which all of her girlfriends get together and go out for supper. It's so much fun! My sister is good like that - such an organizer and planner. She did an amazing job of planning her wedding, these monthly events and my non-existent wedding. Good times!
I love seeing people walk out in their giftings. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes I wish I knew more clearly what my giftings are. I know some of the things I love to do...but I don't always feel like I'm good at them. For example, I was asked to paint a three-pieced canvas painting for a friend of a friend. It's a Christmas present for his parents. I have no idea who his parents are or what they like...etc. What to do?!? I love to paint. I'm not the greatest painter. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. It's like the image of a young child running to her daddy with a drawing she had worked on all day for him while he was at work. This was the best drawing she had ever done and she was so proud. She runs up to him when he walks in the door and he pushes her aside because he's too busy or tired or uncaring, even, to take the time to admire her work and give her due praise. I don't want to be rejected like that. I like to keep the things that are dear to me, where I find life, in secret with no chance of being rejected or abused. This is the risk of vulnerability. There's a quote by someone about..."it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". The risk. Sometimes I'm afraid of risking my heart.
I wrote a poem in grade 12 for one of my english classes. It was titled "Painful Exposure". It was about fear of being seen for who I really was....part of it goes like this:
"We approach one another.
Our proximity is close
and our feet begin to move.
Move on.
With another.
Then to decide
I am Justus or Matthias?

Do I live my life fearing
painful exposure?
......
People see what they see
and are blind to the inside of me.
Secure reputation
Waiting to be dislodged
from its security.
After it has crashed to the floor
will there be anyone to pick it up?
Will they see the broken masterglass
and judge me or
will they be there to lead,
free.

Will I live my life fearing
painful exposure?
It's a hindrance.
Broken potential, lives
because of fear.
Will it control or lose control?
......
Suction of sin
grabs at my soul
like mudd on a childs
yellow rubber boot.
......
Dispose of me,
set me free.
Can I fly or
will I fall again?
On my knees
trying to believe
that there's an element of hope.
.......
The constant jests
that hold such truth
Makes me pause
Because I have not yet told you."

Wow. It was a freakin' long poem. Those are just a few random lines. I don't know if the lines even make sense on there own like that..oh well. I was so scared of being found out about who I really was. A wonderful Christian, loving daughter, sister and friend. But beneath the surface there is more to it than that. I was hurt and angry. I didn't know if people would accept me that way.
I know one thing - Jesus not only accepts me but he desires me still. In all my weakness and faults and fear and anger, He thinks I'm beautiful. Beauty for ashes.
Kay...I went way off topic! I started off with Girl's night...how the heck did I end up here? Lord, I give you my fear of rejection and my insecurities. The ones that I struggle with now and the ones that haunted me as a child. They're yours and I lay them at your feet. You died that I might find freedom and redemption. Redeem this heart of mine where it has been trampled and hurt. Speak your truth - that it may be louder than any other thing. Dear Jesus, thank you for freedom! Raise me up, Father. I will walk in the confidence that I have as a child and l0ver of God. Amen.